“Demand” doesn’t work

We get trained as kids to make demands, because it’s what our parents do with us … if we don’t do as we’re told, they demand that we do, using all sorts of “power over” techniques. And so that’s what we learn to do as well. If someone else isn’t doing what we what, or …

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My new “column”

I’m starting a “Dear Julie” series, where you can write in and ask anything you like, and I’ll do my best to answer it in some useful way!

“False” needs?

My sister Tracy Baker-Lawrence is an expert in something called the Enneagram, which can be categorized as a personality typing tool, but it’s much deeper than that. It tells us what our core “mistaken thought” is, and how that drives everything we do. Tracy and I have often talked about how it seems that each …

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Finding strategies

A frequent sticking point for people is, “OK, so I know my need, now how do I meet it?!” The first answer to that is always that you need to get to know the need first. We’ve spent a lifetime running about trying to (unknowingly) get our needs met, very often with strategies that just …

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Gratitude

According to positive psychology research, the practice that most contributes to our well-being is daily gratitude. And what is gratitude? Gratitude is, simply, noticing that our needs have been met We constantly have needs being met without even noticing it. How often do you take the time to actually notice and appreciate the air that …

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Why learn NVC?

NonViolent Communication changed my life. It’s showed me how to be authentic, to express my truth in ways less likely to offend, and more likely to be heard. It’s taught me how to deal more peacefully with conflict, both internal and external. It’s clarified for me why people behave in the very strange ways that …

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Innocence

“Forgive your brother for what he has not done.” – A Course in Miracles I mourn what our culture does to our kids. I so often see adults speaking to kids in ways that are shaming and punitive, and I see the kids faces, and my heart breaks. I want to take them and reassure …

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Carl Jung

‘Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.’ – Carl Jung This is part of why NVC works. It helps us to understand what’s going on underneath the surface – specifically, identifying the feelings we’re having, which point to the needs, which are what drive us.

Self-Empathy

People talk about self-empathy as though it’s just a thing you decide to do, then do it. And it’s not – it’s a learned skill (or at least, a process of unlearning!), and most of what I’d read in my life didn’t help me figure out how to do it.    

Stephen Covey

“The more authentic you become, the more genuine in your expression, particularly regarding personal experiences and even self-doubts, the more people can relate to your expression and the safer it makes them feel to express themselves. That expression, in turn, feeds back on the other person’s spirit, and genuine creative empathy takes place, producing new …

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OFNR is a multi-tool

I find the 4 steps of OFNR – Observation, Feelings, Needs, Request – to be an amazing tool, because we can use the same 4 steps both internally, to guide our thinking, and externally, to guide our words, and also we can apply it both ourselves, and to others. as an internal process, working out …

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Marshall Rosenberg

“Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.” MR Content is in WP Settings -> Post -> Quote