– are you trying to connect, or to fix? (let go of the outcome). Intention is ALWAYS to connect. (Don’t panic, the “fix” will be clear to you once you have really connected.) – are you focusing on how it feels to have the need met, or the fact that it’s not being met? (just […]
I tried it and it didn’t work … what went wrong? Read More »
If you’re struggling with putting NVC into practice, you’re not alone. We’ve had 10,000 years of the domination paradigm, which has taught us these not-useful ways of commuicating. On top of that, our brains aren’t good at thinking clearly when we’re triggered (ie when we most need NVC!) I think most people come to NVC hoping
The following are the ways we’ve all been taught to communicate, and they just don’t work. It’s so frustrating – you think you’re trying to help, and it’s just not working. Most of the following fall into two general categories: • Listening through thick filters, such as fixing, criticizing, rebutting, being right • Making it
Roadblocks to Communication Read More »
Guest post by Susanne Engelhard So this is the thing about cooperation. You can’t force it. It’s annoying right? There would be so much less sibling fighting…if only they would just cooperate. There is housework to be done and it would get done so quickly…if only the rest of the family would cooperate. You have ideas that you
I’ll Cooperate But Only On My Terms Read More »
So once you know what your needs are, how do you go about finding ways to meet them? Many people get very stuck at this point! This first thing you need to do is to get to know HOW the need lives in you. What exactly is it that you’re longing for? What would have
Finding Strategies Read More »
When we’re in conflict with someone, we tend to see them as either more powerful than us (so we feel helpless) or less than us (because they’re bad, because they hurt us). We don’t see them as “the same as”. And that makes it almost impossible to find solutions that work for all … or
Making guesses for the other person Read More »
We get trained as kids to make demands, because it’s what our parents do with us … if we don’t do as we’re told, they demand that we do, using all sorts of “power over” techniques. And so that’s what we learn to do as well. If someone else isn’t doing what we what, or
“Demand” doesn’t work Read More »
My sister Tracy Baker-Lawrence is an Enneagram expert. The Enneagram can be categorized as a personality typing tool, but it’s much deeper than that. It tells us what our core “mistaken thought” is, and how that drives everything we do. Tracy and I have often talked about how it seems that each personality “type” (there
“False” needs? Enneagram and NVC Read More »
A frequent sticking point for people is, “OK, so I know my need, now how do I meet it?!” The first answer to that is always that you need to get to know the need first. We’ve spent a lifetime running about trying to (unknowingly) get our needs met, very often with strategies that just
Finding strategies Read More »
I have a theory that there are two kinds of feelings. We have an initial feeling, which is our response to a need being met or not met. And then we start telling ourselves a story about what happened (eg “He was manipulating me!”, “She was being SO rude!”) which generates a whole heap more feelings, such
“Thought” feelings Read More »
According to positive psychology research, the practice that most contributes to our well-being is daily gratitude. And what is gratitude? Gratitude is, simply, noticing that our needs have been met We constantly have needs being met without even noticing it. How often do you take the time to actually notice and appreciate the air that
NonViolent Communication changed my life. It’s showed me how to be authentic, to express my truth in ways less likely to offend, and more likely to be heard. It’s taught me how to deal more peacefully with conflict, both internal and external. It’s clarified for me why people behave in the very strange ways that
“Forgive your brother for what he has not done.” – A Course in Miracles I mourn what our culture does to our kids. I so often see adults speaking to kids in ways that are shaming and punitive, and I see the kids faces, and my heart breaks. I want to take them and reassure
So, you’ve unpacked your own needs, and made guesses about what theirs might be. Most often, I find that my needs have very little to do with the other person in the situation after all! So my way to move forward doesn’t necessarily involve speaking with them about the incident. Sometimes though, we want to
Connected Conversations Read More »
Before we try to find an action to meet the need(s), it’s important to “meet the need” as in “meeting a friend” – to get to know how it lives in us as a “living energy” within our bodies, a longing of the heart. Otherwise, the strategy we choose may well be off the mark,
Get to know the need Read More »
‘Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.’ – Carl Jung This is part of why NVC works. It helps us to understand what’s going on underneath the surface – specifically, identifying the feelings we’re having, which point to the needs, which are what drive us.
I had an epiphany [a life-changing idea] a while back. I was sitting in my lounge room, feeling a little stressed, thinking I should be doing housework. It occurred to me to wonder WHY I was thinking that – what did I hope to get out of it? Hmm. Perhaps to avoid shame? So that
Life is 100% safe, 99.99% of the time Read More »
People talk about self-empathy as though it’s just a thing you decide to do, then do it. And it’s not – it’s a learned skill (or at least, a process of unlearning!), and most of what I’d read in my life didn’t help me figure out how to do it.
“The more authentic you become, the more genuine in your expression, particularly regarding personal experiences and even self-doubts, the more people can relate to your expression and the safer it makes them feel to express themselves. That expression, in turn, feeds back on the other person’s spirit, and genuine creative empathy takes place, producing new
