before you start …
If you’ve come to use this tool, you’re most likely wanting resolution to some situation. There’s probably a lot you think you want right now – fixing, answers, change etc – and I guarantee you that 99% of the time what you’re really needing FIRST is self connection. Using this tool will help you figure out the deepest longings of your heart that are really driving what’s going on it you, and you may notice your whole body relax into that knowing. And once you have that self connection and clarity, how to move forward becomes much clearer.
So slow down, and take the time to really feel into these questions. Finding that self-connection will move you into a whole different space, where you are more resilient, more creative, more able to move forward.
Marshall Rosenberg, creator of NVC, loved to say that when we uncover the needs, the solutions find us.
choose a specific incident to work on
This process works best when applied to a specific incident, rather than a general idea. For example, instead of “My mother annoys me”, find a specific moment in which she annoyed you, like “I rang my mother and she talked for 2 hours without once asking about me”.
Where do I start?
Step through each of the steps in order, by clicking on the tabs above, or by clicking on the "next" button at the bottom of each section. On the final tab you can email a copy to yourself – it is completely private – no-one else will see it, as it’s not stored anywhere, nor is it sent to anyone except you.
what is this based on?
This tool is based on the 4 step process of nonviolent (aka authentic or compassionate) communication (NVC) – Observation, Feelings, Needs, Request (OFNR). You don’t need to know NVC to use it though. Each section has links to additional information that you may like to read as you go.
What happened that affected me?
What happened? (Optional)
What's up? This is a space to just let it all out. Have a really good whinge! This may include judgements of yourself, and of the other person (if any). Be as mean as you like! Get mad! Let it all out. (In NVC, we call that "jackal talk" ... let the jackals run wild for a moment!)
Can you extract from that JUST what actually happened, as a camera would see it, without assumptions or blame? It may help to phrase is as "When I saw, heard or remembered ... " The intention is to come up with a statement of what happened which contains no judgement or blame, so it's most likely that the other person would easily agree that this is what happened and won't get defensive. (Click here for more info).
If your situation involves another person, ask yourself, "am I willing to go through these same steps for them, making guesses what might they be feeling, and what might they be needing?" Trust me, it's worth doing!! Click on the button below (opens in new window - when you've finished that, closing that page will bring you back here.) There will also be a link in the email to do this step later, if you send this to yourself.