Making Life More Wonderful

NVC and the enneagram – layers of needs

Julie — Wed, 11 Mar 2026 23:12:01 +0000

My old article from 5 years ago is here: “False” needs? Enneagram and NVC. I’ve now used AI to flesh out my thinking, and this is the result. NVC treats needs as always valid, which is correct – at the core level. But Enneagram adds the idea that for each type, there’s usually: The relief […]

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NVC and nervous system awareness

Julie — Sun, 08 Mar 2026 21:51:16 +0000

Maps NVC with Jaak Panksepp’s emotions taxonomy, and Sarah Peyton’s work on the Seeking circuit, and Tracy Baker-Lawrence’s work on enneagram pathways. I’ve come to understand conflict as something that begins when one of the three core aversive emotions common to all mammals is triggered: fear, anger, or distress. In Jaak Panksepp’s affective neuroscience research […]

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I tried it and it didn’t work … what went wrong?

Julie — Tue, 07 Mar 2023 05:22:30 +0000

– are you trying to connect, or to fix? (let go of the outcome). Intention is ALWAYS to connect. (Don’t panic, the “fix” will be clear to you once you have really connected.) – are you focusing on how it feels to have the need met, or the fact that it’s not being met? (just […]

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Why it’s hard

Julie — Tue, 07 Mar 2023 05:21:36 +0000

If you’re struggling with putting NVC into practice, you’re not alone. We’ve had 10,000 years of the domination paradigm, which has taught us these not-useful ways of commuicating. On top of that, our brains aren’t good at thinking clearly when we’re triggered (ie when we most need NVC!) I think most people come to NVC hoping […]

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Roadblocks to Communication

Julie — Tue, 07 Mar 2023 05:20:59 +0000

The following are the ways we’ve all been taught to communicate, and they just don’t work. It’s so frustrating – you think you’re trying to help, and it’s just not working. Most of the following fall into two general categories: • Listening through thick filters, such as fixing, criticizing, rebutting, being right • Making it […]

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I’ll Cooperate But Only On My Terms

Julie — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 03:31:35 +0000

Guest post by Susanne Engelhard So this is the thing about cooperation. You can’t force it. It’s annoying right? There would be so much less sibling fighting…if only they would just cooperate. There is housework to be done and it would get done so quickly…if only the rest of the family would cooperate. You have ideas that you […]

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Finding Strategies

Julie — Sun, 10 Oct 2021 10:19:35 +0000

So once you know what your needs are, how do you go about finding ways to meet them? Many people get very stuck at this point! This first thing you need to do is to get to know HOW the need lives in you. What exactly is it that you’re longing for? What would have […]

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Sacred contract

Julie — Thu, 02 Sep 2021 01:30:39 +0000

This process comes from the amazing Sarah Peyton

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Making guesses for the other person

Julie — Wed, 21 Jul 2021 14:31:46 +0000

When we’re in conflict with someone, we tend to see them as either more powerful than us (so we feel helpless) or less than us (because they’re bad, because they hurt us). We don’t see them as “the same as”. And that makes it almost impossible to find solutions that work for all … or […]

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“Demand” doesn’t work

Julie — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 17:30:29 +0000

We get trained as kids to make demands, because it’s what our parents do with us … if we don’t do as we’re told, they demand that we do, using all sorts of “power over” techniques. And so that’s what we learn to do as well. If someone else isn’t doing what we what, or […]

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