Feelings: emotions or sensations, free of thought and story. These are to be distinguished from thoughts (e.g., “I feel I didn’t get a fair deal”) and from words colloquially used as feelings but which convey
- what we think we are (e.g., “inadequate”),
- how we think others are evaluating us (e.g., “unimportant”),
- or what we think others are doing to us (e.g., “misunderstood”, “ignored”).
– https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication
Thoughts disguised as feelings
It’s helpful to clearly distinguish between feelings and thoughts. Many of the words we use in everyday life that we think are expressing feelings, are actually thought.
For example, if I say I’m feeling “abandoned”, what I’m actually saying is that I think someone is abandoning me. There are lots of genuine (and painful!) feelings associated with that thought – maybe anger, sadness, fear, amongst others – but the word “abandoned” isn’t itself a feeling. We call these “faux” feelings words – faux is French for “false”, and it also sounds like “foe”, meaning enemy, and that’s exactly what these words give us – enemy images.
They’re thoughts about what other people are doing to us, and usually leave us feeling powerless and afraid. It helps to really unpack what we’re feeling beneath those stories we’re telling ourselves. I’m not saying the stories aren’t true – just that we can be more resourced and resilient by focusing on the feeling (which we might be able to do something about) rather than the actions of others (which we have zero control over).
Below is a list of words people tend to use as feelings, and some suggestions of the actual feelings that might be beneath them, as well as the precious needs that might be at play when we’re using such words.
| Evaluative Word | Primary Feeling(s) | Possible Underlying Need(s) |
|---|---|---|
| Abandoned | Terrified, hurt, bewildered, sad, frightened, lonely | Nurturing, connection, belonging, support, caring |
| Abused | Frightened, confused | Caring, nurturing, support, emotional or physical well-being, consideration, mattering |
| (Not) accepted | Upset, scared, lonely | Acceptance! And often underlying that is a need for self-acceptance. Inclusion, connection, community, belonging, contribution, peer respect. |
| Attacked | Scared | Safety |
| Belittled | Hurt, tense,distressed | Respect, autonomy, visibility, understanding, acknowledgement, appreciation. |
| Betrayed | Hurt, scared, disappointed | Trust, dependability, honesty, honour, commitment, clarity. |
| Blamed | Scared, confused, bewildered, hurt | Accountability, causality, fairness, justice. |
| Bullied | Scared | Autonomy, choice, safety, consideration |
| Caged/trapped | Scared, anxious | Autonomy, choice, freedom |
| Cheated | Hurt | Honesty, fairness, justice, trust reliability |
| Coerced | Frustrated, frightened, thwarted, scared | Choice, autonomy, freedom. Act freely, choose freely |
| Cornered | Scared, anxious, thwarted | Autonomy, freedom |
| Criticised | In pain, scared, anxious,frustrated,humiliated,embarrassed | Understanding, acknowledgement, recognition, respect |
| Discounted/diminished | Hurt, angry, embarrassed,frustrated | Need to matter, acknowledgement,inclusions, recognition, respect |
| Disliked | Sad, lonely, hurt, anxious | Connection, appreciation, understanding, acknowledgement, friendship, inclusion |
| Distrusted | Sad, frustrated | Trust, honesty |
| Dumped on | Angry, overwhelmed | Respect, consideration, peace |
| Excluded | Sad, lonely, anxious | Inclusion, belonging, community, connection |
| Harassed | Angry, frustrated, frightened,anxious | Respect, space. Consideration, peace |
| Hassled | Irritated, distressed, angry,frustrated | Serenity, autonomy, do things at my own pace and in my own way, calm, space |
| Ignored | Lonely, scared, hurt, sad, embarrassed | Connection, belonging, inclusion, community, participation, communication, to be heard |
| Insulted | Embarrassed, angry | Respect, consideration, Acknowledgement,recognition |
| Interrupted | Frustrated, hurt | Respect, consideration, to be heard |
| Intimidated | Anxious, scared | Safety, equality, empowerment |
| Invalidated | Hurt, frustrated, angry | Appreciation, respect, Acknowledgement, recognition |
| Invisible | Sad, lonely, scared | To be seen and heard, inclusion, belonging, community |
| Left out | Sad, lonely, anxious | Inclusion, belonging, community, connection |
| Let down | Disappointed, frightened, sad | Consistency, trust, support, dependability |
| Manipulated | Scared, powerless, frustrated,thwarted | Autonomy, empowerment, trust, equality, freedom, free choice, connection, authenticity |
| Marginalised | Frustrated, sad, lonely, distressed | Inclusion, belonging, community, connection |
| Mistrusted | Sad, disappointed | Trust |
| Misunderstood | Frustrated, upset | To be heard, understanding, clarity |
| Neglected | Lonely, scared, anxious | Connection, inclusion, participation, community, care, mattering, consideration, |
| Overpowered | Helpless, confused, anxious | Equality, justice, autonomy, freedom |
| Overworked | Tired, frustrated, exhausted | Respect, consideration, rest, caring |
| Patronised | Frustrated, annoyed, stressed | Recognition, equality, equity, respect, mutuality |
| Pressured | Anxious, overwhelmed | Relaxation, clarity, space, consideration |
| Provoked | Frustrated, angry | Respect, consideration |
| Put down | Embarrassed, sad, annoyed | Respect, Acknowledgement, understanding |
| Rejected | Hurt, scared, sad, disappointed | Belonging, inclusion, closeness, to be seen, acknowledgement, trust |
| Ripped off | Disappointment, anger | Consideration, justice, fairness, Acknowledgement, recognition, consideration |
| Smothered | Frustrated, fear, desperation | Space, freedom, autonomy, authenticity, self expression |
| Taken for granted | Sad, hurt, angry, disappointed | Appreciation, Acknowledgement, recognition, consideration |
| Threatened | Scared, frightened, alarmed,agitated, anxious | Safety, autonomy |
| Trampled | Frustrated, overwhelmed | Empowerment, connection, community, being seen, consideration, equality, equity, respect, acknowledgement |
| Tricked | Embarrassed, resentful | Integrity, trust, honesty |
| Unappreciated | Sad, hurt, frustrated | Appreciation, respect, acknowledgement, consideration |
| Unheard | Sad, frustrated | Understanding, consideration, empathy |
| Unloved | Bewildered, sad, frustrated | Love, appreciation, empathy, connection,community |
| Unseen | Sad, anxious, frustrated | Acknowledgement, appreciation, visibility, empathy, understanding |
| Unsupported | Sad, hurt | Support, understanding, cooperation |
| Unwanted | Sad, anxious, frustrated | Belonging, inclusion, caring |
| Used | Sad, angry, resentful | Autonomy, equality, consideration,mutuality |
| Victimised | Frightened, helpless | Empowerment, mutuality, safety, justice |
| Violated | Sad, agitated, anxiety | Privacy, safety, trust, space, respect |
| Wronged | Hurt, irritated, resentful | Respect, justice, trust, safety, fairness |
Please note that I didn’t come up with this list – it came from a handout I was given at a workshop, and I believe it originated with Susan Skye – here’s what’s at the top of that printout:
Suggested Feelings & Needs Beneath Evaluative Words Frequently Confused with Emotions (What you think others are doing TO you)
These feelings and needs are suggestions only: this listing is neither complete nor definitive. It is intended as an aid to translating words, which are often confused with feelings. These words imply that someone is doing something to you and generally connote wrongness or blame. To use this list: when somebody says “I’m feeling rejected,” we might empathically translate this as: “Are you feeling scared because you have a need for inclusion?”– Wisconsin International Intensive Training Participants, April 2000. – Edited by Susan Skye
You can download a printable version here.
needs disguised as feelings
I think we often use needs words as “feelings” as well – like, we say “I feel unsafe” or “I feel unloved” or “I feel unheard”. These are all needs rather than feelings, as as my friend Rudran says, the problem with this is that it then seems to contain an unspoken blame and moralism – “you SHOULD have made me feel safe”, etc. In NVC we teach that needs “stand alone” – they aren’t attached to any particular person, place or thing, they’re something within US, and we don’t get to demand that any specific person should meet any particular need for us.
So if you find yourself saying something like “I feel unsafe”, it’s much more useful (in order to find some forward movement for yourself) if you can identify the actual feelings underneath this (eg scared, angry), and ponder strategies for meeting this needs, whilst acknowledging that the person you’re saying this to may not actually have the capacity to meet your need for safety (especially in a world where we all carry past traumas, and our feelings of “unsafety” are often implicit memories of times we weren’t safe when we were very young) … so it may not be about that person at all. For me, “I feel unsafe” translates to “I have a need for safety and a thought that it’s not being met in this moment” … and the thought may or may not be true!