Feelings: emotions or sensations, free of thought and story. These are to be distinguished from thoughts (e.g., “I feel I didn’t get a fair deal”) and from words colloquially used as feelings but which convey what we think we are (e.g., “inadequate”), how we think others are evaluating us (e.g., “unimportant”), or what we think others are doing to us (e.g., “misunderstood”, “ignored”).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication
In NVC we like to clearly distinguish between feelings and thoughts. Many of the words we use in everyday life that we think are expressing feelings, are actually thought.
For example, if I say I’m feeling “abandoned”, what I’m actually saying is that I’m thinking that someone is abandoning me. There are lots of genuine (and painful!) feelings associated with that thought – maybe anger, sadness, fear, amongst others – but the word “abandoned” isn’t itself a feeling. We call these “faux” feelings – faux is French for “false”, and it also sounds like “foe”, meaning enemy, and that’s exactly what these words give us – enemy images.
They’re thoughts about what other people are doing to us, and usually leave us feeling powerless and afraid. It helps to really unpack what we’re feeling beneath those stories we’re telling ourselves. I’m not saying the stories aren’t true, necessarily – just that we can be more resourced and resilient by focusing on the feeling (which we might be able to do something about) rather than the actions of others (which we have zero control over).
Below is a list of words people tend to use as feelings, and some suggestions of the actual feelings that might be beneath them, as well as the precious needs that might be at play when we’re using such words.
Evaluative Word | Primary Feeling(s) | Possible Underlying Need(s) |
---|---|---|
Abandoned | Terrified, hurt, bewildered, sad, frightened, lonely | Nurturing, connection, belonging, support, caring |
Abused | Frightened, confused | Caring, nurturing, support, emotional or physical well-being, consideration, mattering |
(Not) accepted | Upset, scared, lonely | Acceptance! And often underlying that is a need for self-acceptance. Inclusion, connection, community, belonging, contribution, peer respect. |
Attacked | Scared | Safety |
Belittled | Hurt, tense,distressed | Respect, autonomy, visibility, understanding, acknowledgement, appreciation. |
Betrayed | Hurt, scared, disappointed | Trust, dependability, honesty, honour, commitment, clarity. |
Blamed | Scared, confused, bewildered, hurt | Accountability, causality, fairness, justice. |
Bullied | Scared | Autonomy, choice, safety, consideration |
Caged/trapped | Scared, anxious | Autonomy, choice, freedom |
Cheated | Hurt | Honesty, fairness, justice, trust reliability |
Coerced | Frustrated, frightened, thwarted, scared | Choice, autonomy, freedom. Act freely, choose freely |
Cornered | Scared, anxious, thwarted | Autonomy, freedom |
Criticised | In pain, scared, anxious,frustrated,humiliated,embarrassed | Understanding, acknowledgement, recognition, respect |
Discounted/diminished | Hurt, angry, embarrassed,frustrated | Need to matter, acknowledgement,inclusions, recognition, respect |
Disliked | Sad, lonely, hurt, anxious | Connection, appreciation, understanding, acknowledgement, friendship, inclusion |
Distrusted | Sad, frustrated | Trust, honesty |
Dumped on | Angry, overwhelmed | Respect, consideration, peace |
Excluded | Sad, lonely, anxious | Inclusion, belonging, community, connection |
Harassed | Angry, frustrated, frightened,anxious | Respect, space. Consideration, peace |
Hassled | Irritated, distressed, angry,frustrated | Serenity, autonomy, do things at my own pace and in my own way, calm, space |
Ignored | Lonely, scared, hurt, sad, embarrassed | Connection, belonging, inclusion, community, participation, communication, to be heard |
Insulted | Embarrassed, angry | Respect, consideration, Acknowledgement,recognition |
Interrupted | Frustrated, hurt | Respect, consideration, to be heard |
Intimidated | Anxious, scared | Safety, equality, empowerment |
Invalidated | Hurt, frustrated, angry | Appreciation, respect, Acknowledgement, recognition |
Invisible | Sad, lonely, scared | To be seen and heard, inclusion, belonging, community |
Left out | Sad, lonely, anxious | Inclusion, belonging, community, connection |
Let down | Disappointed, frightened, sad | Consistency, trust, support, dependability |
Manipulated | Scared, powerless, frustrated,thwarted | Autonomy, empowerment, trust, equality, freedom, free choice, connection, authenticity |
Marginalised | Frustrated, sad, lonely, distressed | Inclusion, belonging, community, connection |
Mistrusted | Sad, disappointed | Trust |
Misunderstood | Frustrated, upset | To be heard, understanding, clarity |
Neglected | Lonely, scared, anxious | Connection, inclusion, participation, community, care, mattering, consideration, |
Overpowered | Helpless, confused, anxious | Equality, justice, autonomy, freedom |
Overworked | Tired, frustrated, exhausted | Respect, consideration, rest, caring |
Patronised | Frustrated, annoyed, stressed | Recognition, equality, equity, respect, mutuality |
Pressured | Anxious, overwhelmed | Relaxation, clarity, space, consideration |
Provoked | Frustrated, angry | Respect, consideration |
Put down | Embarrassed, sad, annoyed | Respect, Acknowledgement, understanding |
Rejected | Hurt, scared, sad, disappointed | Belonging, inclusion, closeness, to be seen, acknowledgement, trust |
Ripped off | Disappointment, anger | Consideration, justice, fairness, Acknowledgement, recognition, consideration |
Smothered | Frustrated, fear, desperation | Space, freedom, autonomy, authenticity, self expression |
Taken for granted | Sad, hurt, angry, disappointed | Appreciation, Acknowledgement, recognition, consideration |
Threatened | Scared, frightened, alarmed,agitated, anxious | Safety, autonomy |
Trampled | Frustrated, overwhelmed | Empowerment, connection, community, being seen, consideration, equality, equity, respect, acknowledgement |
Tricked | Embarrassed, resentful | Integrity, trust, honesty |
Unappreciated | Sad, hurt, frustrated | Appreciation, respect, acknowledgement, consideration |
Unheard | Sad, frustrated | Understanding, consideration, empathy |
Unloved | Bewildered, sad, frustrated | Love, appreciation, empathy, connection,community |
Unseen | Sad, anxious, frustrated | Acknowledgement, appreciation, visibility, empathy, understanding |
Unsupported | Sad, hurt | Support, understanding, cooperation |
Unwanted | Sad, anxious, frustrated | Belonging, inclusion, caring |
Used | Sad, angry, resentful | Autonomy, equality, consideration,mutuality |
Victimised | Frightened, helpless | Empowerment, mutuality, safety, justice |
Violated | Sad, agitated, anxiety | Privacy, safety, trust, space, respect |
Wronged | Hurt, irritated, resentful | Respect, justice, trust, safety, fairness |
Please note that I didn’t come up with this list – it came from a handout I was given at a workshop, and I believe it originated with Susan Skye – here’s what’s at the top of that printout:
Suggested Feelings & Needs Beneath Evaluative Words Frequently Confused with Emotions (What you think others are doing TO you)
These feelings and needs are suggestions only: this listing is neither complete nor definitive. It is intended as an aid to translating words, which are often confused with feelings. These words imply that someone is doing something to you and generally connote wrongness or blame. To use this list: when somebody says “I’m feeling rejected,” we might empathically translate this as: “Are you feeling scared because you have a need for inclusion?”– Wisconsin International Intensive Training Participants, April 2000. – Edited by Susan Skye