Finding peace, clarity and win-win

Process anything that’s going on for you, within yourself or with others. Each field will help, but all are optional.

You can email it to yourself at the end – no-one else will see it, as it’s not stored anywhere, nor is it sent to anyone except you.

It’s based on the 4 step process of nonviolent communication (NVC) – Observation, Feelings, Needs, Request (OFNR). You can use it without knowing NVC though – you may like to read all the associated information, by clicking on the various links as you go.

Click on each of the headers to open the “accordion”. Close it again to see a summary of your selections.

And … before you start … there’s a lot you think you want right now … fixing, answers, change etc … but I guarantee you that 99% of the time what you’re really needing FIRST is self connection. You’ll know what I mean by that when a need really lands for you, when you figure out the need(s) that is/are really driving what’s going on it you, and you feel your whole body relax into that knowing. So slow down, and take the time to really feel into these questions. Finding that self-connection will move you into a whole different space, where you are more resilient, more creative, more able to move forward.

    What happened?

    Have a really good whinge! Be as judgemental and mean as you like! Get it all out.

    The "observation"

    Can you extract from that JUST what actually happened, as a camera would see it, without assumptions or blame? It may help to phrase is as "When I saw, heard or remembered ... " (See here for more info)

    What are you feeling?

    Click on ALL the feelings that are up for you right now, in regard to this situation. Make sure you read all the way through the lists, not just stopping when you find the first feeling that fits. We want to uncover all of them. It's the ones that surprise us that hold all the power. (See here for more info)


    What's going on in your body? It will help you know what you're feeling. It's really hard for some of us to notice that! (list taken from here)

    Any others? I like to notice things like "frowny face", "tight fists", "tight jaw", "restless legs", "shallow breathing like I'm hiding from someone and trying to stay really quiet", "pursed lips", "hunched shoulders", "droopy posture" etc.

    Feelings when your needs are met

    Feelings when your needs are not met ...

    NOTES on feelings ... Were any of the feelings surprising? Which feeling(s) came FIRST? (the later ones are likely to be "thought feelings".

    What are you needing?

    Click on the needs that are up for you right now, in regard to this situation.
    Again, read all the way through the list to uncover ALL your needs that are relevant to this situation. (See here for more info)

    Needs that ARE met right now

    Needs that are NOT met right now

    NOTES on needs ... Which need(s) speaks to you the loudest? If you say to yourself, "every cell in my body is longing for [need]", do tears come, or self-righteousness? If the latter, try finding a deeper need by asking yourself, "If I had that, THEN what would I have?"

    Get to know the need(s)

    Before we try to find an action to meet the need(s), it's important to "meet the need" as in "meeting a friend" - to get to know how it lives in us as a "living energy" within our bodies, a longing of the heart. Otherwise, the strategy we choose may well be off the mark. See here for more info.

    Meditation on the beauty of the need

    Did anything come up for you here?

    Brainstorm ways to top up your "needs tanks"

    If you're feeling quite reactive about that need, then it's highly likely that that need has gone unmet for a long time - or as I like to say, that particular "needs tank" is low. Therefore, it might be great to find other ways to meet it AS WELL, outside of the current situation. What might top up the tank, even just a little?

    If there's another person involved ...

    If your situation involves another person, am I willing to go through these same steps for them, ask myself what might they be feeling, and what might they be needing? There's a separate page here for that (opens in new window).

    Do I want to talk to the other person about this?

    If so, what might I like to say? There some suggestions here about how to do that.

    What would you like for the subject of the email (so that you can find it again!)

    (If you can't click on this, make sure you've checked the "Email me" box above)