Julie

Why it’s hard

If you’re struggling with putting NVC into practice, you’re not alone. We’ve had 10,000 years of the domination paradigm, which has taught us these not-useful ways of commuicating. On top of that, our brains aren’t good at thinking clearly when we’re triggered (ie when we most need NVC!) I think most people come to NVC hoping

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Roadblocks to Communication

The following are the ways we’ve all been taught to communicate, and they just don’t work. It’s so frustrating – you think you’re trying to help, and it’s just not working. Most of the following fall into two general categories: • Listening through thick filters, such as fixing, criticizing, rebutting, being right • Making it

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Finding Strategies

So once you know what your needs are, how do you go about finding ways to meet them? Many people get very stuck at this point! This first thing you need to do is to get to know HOW the need lives in you. What exactly is it that you’re longing for? What would have

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“Demand” doesn’t work

We get trained as kids to make demands, because it’s what our parents do with us … if we don’t do as we’re told, they demand that we do, using all sorts of “power over” techniques. And so that’s what we learn to do as well. If someone else isn’t doing what we what, or

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Finding strategies

A frequent sticking point for people is, “OK, so I know my need, now how do I meet it?!” The first answer to that is always that you need to get to know the need first. We’ve spent a lifetime running about trying to (unknowingly) get our needs met, very often with strategies that just

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“Thought” feelings

I have a theory that there are two kinds of feelings. We have an initial feeling, which is our response to a need being met or not met. And then we start telling ourselves a story about what happened (eg “He was manipulating me!”, “She was being SO rude!”) which generates a whole heap more feelings, such

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Gratitude

According to positive psychology research, the practice that most contributes to our well-being is daily gratitude. And what is gratitude? Gratitude is, simply, noticing that our needs have been met We constantly have needs being met without even noticing it. How often do you take the time to actually notice and appreciate the air that

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Why learn NVC?

NonViolent Communication changed my life. It’s showed me how to be authentic, to express my truth in ways less likely to offend, and more likely to be heard. It’s taught me how to deal more peacefully with conflict, both internal and external. It’s clarified for me why people behave in the very strange ways that

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Innocence

“Forgive your brother for what he has not done.” – A Course in Miracles I mourn what our culture does to our kids. I so often see adults speaking to kids in ways that are shaming and punitive, and I see the kids faces, and my heart breaks. I want to take them and reassure

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Connected Conversations

So, you’ve unpacked your own needs, and made guesses about what theirs might be. Most often, I find that my needs have very little to do with the other person in the situation after all! So my way to move forward doesn’t necessarily involve speaking with them about the incident. Sometimes though, we want to

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Get to know the need

Before we try to find an action to meet the need(s), it’s important to “meet the need” as in “meeting a friend” – to get to know how it lives in us as a “living energy” within our bodies, a longing of the heart. Otherwise, the strategy we choose may well be off the mark,

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Carl Jung

‘Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.’ – Carl Jung This is part of why NVC works. It helps us to understand what’s going on underneath the surface – specifically, identifying the feelings we’re having, which point to the needs, which are what drive us.

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Self-Empathy

People talk about self-empathy as though it’s just a thing you decide to do, then do it. And it’s not – it’s a learned skill (or at least, a process of unlearning!), and most of what I’d read in my life didn’t help me figure out how to do it.    

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Stephen Covey

“The more authentic you become, the more genuine in your expression, particularly regarding personal experiences and even self-doubts, the more people can relate to your expression and the safer it makes them feel to express themselves. That expression, in turn, feeds back on the other person’s spirit, and genuine creative empathy takes place, producing new

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